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Jewish World Review Sept. 11, 2003 / 14 Elul, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Treasury Department will unveil a new twenty-dollar bill next month. It has a peach background, a lime-green edge and a blue eagle. You know it's the end of civilization when Andrew Jackson is the guest on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

The NFL said Friday they may reduce the number of exhibition games. They want to increase player safety. The first serious head injury of the year was avoided on opening day when Britney Spears did not try to kiss Aretha Franklin on the lips.

Harrison Ford flew to France Monday to give the Best Director Oscar to Roman Polanski. He's wanted in America for statutory rape. It took a lot of courage for an actor who once played the President of the United States to appear in France.

Arnold Schwarzenegger learned Tuesday he's not doing well with women voters, so he's considering appearing on the Oprah Winfrey Show. He still doesn't get it. He believes if he can lift her over his head it would set a new world's record.

Maria Shriver was chased away from a Wal-Mart in Sacramento by an angry union mob Tuesday. She won't stand for much more of this. Maria vowed to love Arnold through sickness and health, but the priest never mentioned Wal-Marts and Sacramento.

Saudi Arabia banned the Barbie doll from all toy stores in the kingdom Monday, claiming Barbie is a Jewish doll and is immoral. Americans are outraged. First the Saudi Arabians attack the World Trade Center and now they insult Monica Lewinsky.

The Democratic candidates debated at Morgan State University Tuesday night. They looked terrific. The stage lighting and blue backdrop made them all look so young that Hillary Clinton might join the race just to put some romance back into her marriage.

The Democratic candidates had to talk fast during the debate since there were nine of them. A bell went off when they went over a minute. The evening wound up sounding like the inside of Troy Aikman's helmet the Sunday he decided to retire.

The Democratic presidential debate was held inside a huge auditorium Tuesday in Baltimore. It was interrupted several times by loud screams from the third balcony. From that distance, John Kerry looks exactly like the Phantom of the Opera.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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01/02/03:Annual Review of the Past Year's Mischief
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© 2002, Argus Hamilton