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Jewish World Review May 21, 2002 / 10 Sivan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Hubble Telescope relayed spectacular photos of outer space back to Earth over the weekend. They confirmed the theory that the universe is expanding and could blow up in one billion years. Tom Daschle is already claiming that Bush knew.

Palm Beach Airport tested the new face-recognition technology, designed to ID terrorists before they can board a plane. The machine flunked badly. It's so inaccurate that George Hamilton would have to lose his suntan or take the train back to Los Angeles.

Dick Cheney told Meet the Press Sunday he opposes cooperating with Democrats over secret CIA memos. It's starting to sound like old times. Dick Cheney broke in under Richard Nixon and was one of the few people who didn't go to prison for it.

China sentenced four members of the Falun Gong religious movement to prison terms Sunday. They hijacked a TV studio and broadcast messages that deviated from the accepted party line. In a related story, ABC canceled Bill Maher on Friday.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is backing a California ballot initiative to spend $400 million on after-school activities. The idea is to keep children constructively busy. He learned first- hand just how much trouble kids can get into when he married into the Kennedy family.

Osama bin Laden spoke out Sunday in a new video believed to have been taped last month. He extolled the virtues of martyrdom and threatened to bring down the United States government. Big deal, any idiot can memorize Enron's mission statement.

Afghanistan formed an Olympic Committee Sunday to lobby for admission to the 2004 Games. They hope to field wrestling, boxing and shooting teams. Unfortunately for their track and field chances, their best runners are all in Pakistan by now.

Iranian rebels seeking to overthrow the Islamic fundamentalist government blew up a militia station in Teheran Sunday. So now, militant Muslims who hate America are being attacked by militant Muslims who love America. Whichever way President Bush changes his Mideast policy, they've got it covered.

Detroit Red Wings star Brendan Shanahan became a United States citizen during a private ceremony in Detroit Thursday. It's a great hockey town. People in Los Angeles know so little about the game, they think hockey puck is Wolfgang's brother.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton