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Jewish World Review May 20, 2002 / 9 Sivan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Dick Cheney accused Democrats Friday of playing politics with the September 11th attacks. No one seriously suspects any wrongdoing. This White House is so straight- arrow that Dick Cheney is required to wear a tie with his hospital gown.

Hillary Clinton took to the Senate floor Thursday and demanded an explanation for the White House ignoring terror threats. She has no beef with the administration. Her husband is out of the country for a week and she just wanted a little practice demanding explanations.

The Wall Street Journal criticized President Bush Friday for spending federal dollars like Lyndon Baines Johnson. It's worse news than anybody knows. This means it's going to be thirteen years before we get those troops out of Afghanistan.

British Royal Marines began suffering vomiting and diarrhea Thursday as they continued their advance into Pakistan. It wasn't all bad news for the Mother Country. Gourmet magazine just upgraded England to second-worst food in the world.

European Union nations are balking at the prospect of taking in the thirteen Palestinian militants from the Church of the Nativity. How dangerous are they? The French nearly elected a Nazi president but they have to draw the line somewhere.

President Bush denied charges Thursday he knew of September 11th attacks ahead of time. He just can't win. For years Democrats have said George W. Bush doesn't know anything, and now when he says he didn't know anything, they don't believe him.

FBI agents pointed out suspicious Arab flight school students last June. The CIA warned of Al Qaeda hijackings in August. No one knows what games intelligence analysts play to keep their analytical skills sharp, but we know it isn't Connect- a-Dot.

The White House admitted hearing about Al Qaeda hijacking plots last August. The media went wild, the Democrats went ballistic and World Trade Center widows expressed outrage. It was the first peaceful day Cardinal Law has had in six months.

AOL Time Warner met with shareholders Thursday and management was berated by stockholders for losing $54 billion. However, executives have a surefire plan to get bailed out by the government. They're changing CNN's name to the Soybean Channel.

Exxon Valdez Captain Joseph Hazelwood sent a $50,000 check to Alaska last week, finally paying off his debt to the state for the worst oil spill in world history. He's a real star now. When he goes to the podium at an AA meeting to describe the damage his drinking caused, no one can follow him.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton