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Jewish World Review Dec. 2, 2002 / 27 Kislev, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Michael Jordan said Friday he will retire from professional basketball after this season. He enjoys gambling, fine cigars and chasing women. This limits his future career options to the next Democratic president or the British Secret Service.

McDonald's was just targeted by a huge lawsuit for causing child obesity. Yet the restaurant is very specific in fat content labeling. Each item on the menu is labeled either no fat, low fat, reduced fat, or fat but with a great personality.

Portmarnock Golf Club in Ireland is under siege for its all- male membership policy. It's not enough that James Bond has a woman boss, a woman adversary and a woman counterpart. Feminists won't be happy until he's on hormone replacement therapy.

The Dallas Cowboys beat the Washington Redskins Thursday in Dallas. This game revolves around community activism. Early last week, Jerry Jones invited grade schoolers to come to practice and talk to the players about the dangers of drug use.

Medium James Van Praagh hosts a new syndicated TV show called Beyond on which he speaks to the other side. It's riveting. Americans have such a fascination with hearing from the dead that it's surprising Al Gore's book isn't selling better.

Saudi Ambassador Prince Bandar said he has no idea how charitable donations from his family ended up in the hands of 9-11 hijackers. He considers himself a modern, Western man. What his wife does with her allowance is none of his business.

Tonya Harding will box again in Memphis next month. She had Nancy Kerrigan's knees whacked, crowned a boyfriend with a hubcap and punched out Paula Jones. Her omission from the cast of The Sopranos can only be attributed to anti-WASP bias.

The Boy Scouts said Wednesday they will require background checks on all new adult volunteers. It was overdue. They are tired of progressing from Cub Scout to Boy Scout to Explorer Scout to Plaintiff Scout to New Life in an Undisclosed Location.

Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist underwent knee surgery Tuesday. His aides said he's recovering well. They wouldn't say if it was his left knee or his right knee because they don't want anybody to know which way he's going to lean.

The Disney cruise ship Magic was disinfected from top to bottom in Florida Monday but eighty-five passengers became violently ill anyway. They don't know how to track down the mysterious bacteria. Hans Blix can't be in two places at once.

President Bush signed the Terrorism Insurance Bill into law on Tuesday. This would reimburse insurance companies up to $100 billion in the event of a terror attack. That's either an entire city knocked out by poison gas or four sick smokers.

Die Another Day starring Pierce Brosnan as British Secret Service agent James Bond drew a huge teenage audience at the box office in its opening weekend. Parents were glad to hear it. James Bond shows no respect for women, he drinks too much and he kills people, but he's a lot better role model than those rap stars.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton