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Jewish World Review April 4, 2003 / 1 Nisan, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | U.S. troops in a daring raid rescued Private Jessica Lynch from an Iraqi prison hospital. They delivered the young woman from a seemingly hopeless situation. Afterwards the Pentagon got a call from Winona Ryder asking them if they do careers.

The Pentagon said Wednesday it has dropped ten thousand bombs on Baghdad in two weeks. Good show. Whatever kind of government Iraq eventually gets, we know that a persistent ringing in the ear will be its national anthem for at least a year.

U.S. forces burst through Iraq's Medina Division Wednesday in the Battle of Karbala and found themselves approaching the suburbs of Baghdad. It's time for urban warfare. For the safety of U.S. troops, the best idea is to release the Los Angeles Police Department from their consent decree and let nature take its course.

Senate Democrats tried Tuesday to slip $9 billion more into the $70 billion bill to pay for the war in Iraq. It's widely considered to be pork. Congress is living proof that you can't trust a dog to guard your food.

McDonald's said Tuesday they will add sugar to their hamburger bun recipe and go back to using special sauce on Big Macs. It was Alan Greenspan's idea. Americans needing to buy larger-sized clothes every three months is the only thing keeping the economy going.

California was sued Tuesday by tobacco companies who claim that state-funded health commercials unfairly vilify their industry. Still, there is no way your average everyday Californian will ever give up smoking. Cocaine makes you crazy for a cigarette.

Senator John Edwards stated Tuesday that he has raised seven million dollars for his Democratic presidential run. That's not enough to compete. John Kerry is capable of raising seven million dollars just by going through his wife's purse.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton