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Jewish World Review Feb. 21, 2003 / 19 Adar I, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The National Football League is holding its scouting combine in Indianapolis this week. It determines how high players will be drafted. Scouts are looking for speed, strength, size and the kind of face that juries

are most likely to acquit. Time magazine says U.S. troops will set chickens loose in the battlefield to detect chemical attacks by Iraq. It's all the same to the chickens. Whether they are captured by Saddam Hussein or by Colonel Sanders, they get boiled in oil either way.

Kuwait News says Saddam Hussein sounded out Iran about safe passage to Russia for political asylum. He'll have no trouble finding work in Russia. Senior citizens who frequent Black Sea cruise ships can't get enough of those Stalin impersonators.

Martin Sheen and a group of actors plan to stage a virtual march on the White House. He said it will allow people to oppose the war without getting off their couches. Due to the popularity of reality TV shows, all the actors in Hollywood are on their couches.

Quecreek coal miner Randy Fogle on Wednesday became the first of the nine miners rescued last summer to return to work. He insisted he is not afraid he will die in the narrow underground tunnel. Everyone agrees it's a better plan than duct tape.

Tom Ridge said all Americans should prepare for terrorist attacks by stashing duct tape in the drawer. It's the newest weapon in the arsenal against terror. Already the Democrats are calling for duct tape registration and drawer safety locks.

Former House Democratic leader Dick Gephardt said Wednesday he will run for the presidency. He lost the House in 1994 and he failed to win it back in the next four elections. After his announcement he got a call from Michael Jackson telling him to get a grip on reality.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton