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Jewish World Review June 30, 2003 / 30 Sivan, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The U.S. birthrate fell to an all-time low last year according to the government. Experts cite three reasons-- abstinence programs, access to birth control, and less pressure on men in the last two years to keep up with the president.

The Abstinence Clearinghouse held a convention in Las Vegas last weekend. Youth leaders, teachers, and health workers met to promote sexual abstinence. There's just nothing like a field trip to the Liberace Museum to scare you out of the mood.

Strom Thurmond died Thursday at age 100 after being in poor health in recent weeks. The greatly loved senator had the Republican Party's interest at heart all the way to the end. His last request was that Trent Lott not deliver the eulogy.

Democratic candidates discussed environmental issues with UCLA students last Thursday. They discussed diversity, equality and responsible stewardship of the earth. Los Angeles is six hundred square miles surrounded on four sides by reality.

Governor Gray Davis faces a certain recall election this fall. He shouldn't worry about losing his job. After twenty years of declining test scores, how in the world is Arnold Schwarzenegger going to be a write-in candidate in California?

An Iraqi scientist Wednesday showed U.S. troops nuclear materials he buried in his back yard under a rose bush. It had to happen. You know this president is leading a charmed life when nuclear materials are discovered in Baghdad by Rose Bush.

President Bush convinced Europe Wednesday to join his ban on nuclear weapons in Iran. It's the wrong approach. There are three ways to make sure something gets done: do it yourself, employ someone to do it, or forbid a Mullah from doing it.

Democrats held a fundraiser Wednesday and raised $1.7 million. It's for the eventual presidential nominee. The eventual presidential nominee thanked them for the token gesture but said she doesn't cross the street for less than $8 million.

Kentucky Fried Chicken fired Jason Alexander as KFC pitchman for criticizing their treatment of chickens. They say there is nothing inhumane in the way they prepare their chickens. They just tell them straight out that they are going to die.

Steven Spielberg was reported Tuesday to get two percent of all ticket sales at Universal theme parks. He's got the touch. Two years ago Steven Spielberg had a kidney removed and it grossed sixty million dollars the first weekend it was out.

Bill Clinton criticized President Bush on Wednesday for erasing the progress that was made during his presidency. The progress was indeed measurable. After Bill Clinton lied under oath to hide an adulterous affair, the House impeached him, Arkansas revoked his law license, and Los Angeles named a street after him.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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01/02/03:Annual Review of the Past Year's Mischief
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© 2002, Argus Hamilton