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Jewish World Review Jan. 24, 2003 / 21 Shevat, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Oakland Raiders stayed home in Oakland Monday instead of appearing at San Diego Super Bowl events as required. The Raiders didn't want to spend one more night than necessary on the road. There's no feeling like sleeping in your own cell.

Robert Blake's attorney Jennifer Keller quit his case because he refused to follow her legal advice. However, she said after he's acquitted of murdering his wife, she would like to have a drink with him. This is why men go into show business.

Atlanta Braves legend Dale Murphy said Wednesday he might like to run for governor of Utah. During his illustrious baseball career, he never smoked, he never drank, and he never chased women. He will soon celebrate his fiftieth birthday, but the question is, how?

The White House ordered government bureaucrats Wednesday to start planning for a post-invasion Iraq. They are to devise new ways to improve Iraq's schools, hospitals and roads. Until now the only known way to improve schools, hospitals and roads was to name them after Senator Robert Byrd.

Iraq claimed Wednesday that a destroyed fuselage found shot to pieces in the Iraqi desert is a U.S. Predator drone. It's hard to decipher just what the wreckage used to be. One wing said Time, the other wing said Warner, and AOL was stenciled on the nose.

Jimmy Carter flew to Venezuela Tuesday to try to end its 51- day-old general strike. The country is besieged by economic chaos and an oil shortage and the president is hugely unpopular. It sounds like scientists in South America have successfully cloned the Carter Presidency.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton