Jewish World Review August 19, 2002 / 11 Elul, 5762
important news ....
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | NASA struggled Friday to regain contact with the Contour spacecraft. Rocket scientists say bolts on the external fuel tank aren't retracting properly. It's the same malfunction that kept Al Gore from attending the Iowa State Fair last week.
President Bush cut $5 billion approved by Congress for anti- terrorism because it spends $2 million to construct a building to store worms at the Smithsonian. We don't need another building to store worms. That's why we have the U.S. Capitol.
Hooters announced plans to purchase Vanguard Airlines and use Hooters waitresses as flight attendants. It's a start. If this doesn't bring back the business traveler, the major airlines are ready to have a long talk with the chairman of Victoria's Secret.
American Airlines banned aggressive dogs from its cargo hold after a pit bull escaped its cage and chewed up the electrical cables on a 757. The dog ate up the navigation system, causing the plane to lose its bearings in the sky. Whether it is true or not, everyone in the bar really enjoyed hearing the pilot tell the story.
The Air Force Academy football team voted to abstain from alcohol this year in order to play better. They forgot one thing. The year they spend sober will be on their permanent record and could someday keep them from being hired by America West.
The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta said Thursday that more children should walk to school every day for the exercise. They say childhood obesity is becoming worse and worse. It's getting so the kidnappers can hardly carry them.
Germany's Environment Minister Juergen Trittin blamed President George W. Bush for causing floods in Europe, drought in Africa, heat waves and West Nile virus. Look at it this way. Somebody has to fill in for Charlton Heston until there's a cure.
Condoleezza Rice told the BBC that Saddam Hussein is an evil man who must be tossed out. Others say he's a changed man. There wasn't a dry eye in the house Tuesday night when he received a twelve-year birthday cake at his Kuwait Anonymous meeting.
The Securities and Exchange Commission required hundreds of CEOs Wednesday to sign their names attesting to the honesty of their numbers. It was humbling. For many of them it was the first time they've ever admitted shooting over a ninety.
Elvis Presley fans waited hours in a thunderstorm to file past his grave on the anniversary of his death Friday. What a star. Everyone there remembered him fondly and resolved from now on to be nicer to Bill Clinton while we still have him.