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Jewish World Review March 26, 2003 / 22 Adar II, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Tiger Woods could barely hold his winner's check Sunday due to food poisoning that hit him and his beautiful Swedish girlfriend. It's so sad. Someday when he wants to tell his grandkids how rough he had it, this will be the only story he has.

The NCAA basketball tourney got low TV ratings on CBS last week. They didn't invite the right team. College basketball is fun to watch, but it can't compete with a televised war unless Bobby Knight's sitting courtside next to an empty chair.

The War in Iraq drew huge TV ratings and advertisers returned to sponsor war coverage Monday. Car commercials are everywhere. It escaped no one's notice that the closer the troops get to Baghdad the less emphasis there is on good gas mileage.

Saddam Hussein gave a videotaped speech to the world Sunday that failed to answer if he's dead or alive. The video looked a little suspicious. There was so much editing that Saddam Hussein is claiming he did his own singing and dancing.

The White House prepared to ask Congress for $75 billion to pay for the war in Iraq. The estimate is based on a thirty-day war. Taxpayers would feel a lot better about this expedition if the funding didn't sound like a mattress guarantee.

A Paris firm Monday began selling marked packages of pretzels for the French people to send to President Bush at the White House. They'll be sorry. The last country that tried to kill one of our President Bushes is currently under invasion.

Oklahoma was used Monday for a U.S. bio-terrorism test. They wondered if radar could pick up a mixture of clay, water and alcohol dropped from a crop duster. It's the first time classes were ever called off at OU because it was raining Coors.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton