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Jewish World Review March 27, 2002 / 14 Nisan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Academy Awards made racial history by voting Best Actor and Best Actress to African-Americans. The motion picture industry is not as broad-minded as it thinks. Every movie studio still has separate drinking fountains for Republicans.

McAfee Software warned Saturday a computer virus disguised as a Bill Clinton cartoon is loose on the Internet. This should be a short investigation. We know by now that if something is disguised as Bill and it's deleting files, it's Hillary.

The Transportation Security Administration's assistant director Kevin Houlihan quit last week for personal reasons. He was in charge of airport screeners but he couldn't take it anymore. Republicans are just not cut out for groping strangers on the job.

Congressman Edward Markey said security at the nation's nuclear power plants is so lax that terrorists could already be secretly working inside. Tell us something we don't know. This is an industry whose best- known employee is Homer Simpson.

President Bush refused Friday to back calls for Cardinal Law's resignation. He has a war to run. To protect innocent lives, he just ordered the Air Force to maintain around-the-clock patrols over Catholic schools in the Northeast Corridor.

The European Union constructed steel trade barriers on Monday in response to the raise in U.S. steel tariffs by President Bush. He's now running a war on terrorism, a drug war, a trade war, and a war on the environment, and he has an 80 percent job approval rating. It's going so well, his next campaign slogan will be Four More Wars.

Tom Ridge defended his color-coded warning system against a wave of national ridicule. He insisted colors are easy to understand and helpful. If you need to ask yourself what color we are today, then the Oscars put on a big show for nothing.

The Transportation Department admitted Monday that airport security is lax. Undercover tests at 32 airports showed screeners missed 70 percent of knives, 30 percent of guns and 60 percent of bombs. Whose idea was it to put the INS in charge of airport screening?

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton