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Jewish World Review Sept. 26, 2002 / 20 Tishrei, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Bill Clinton asked Nigeria on Tuesday to spare the life of a woman sentenced by a local court to be stoned to death for adultery. What's wrong with him? He shouldn't be fooling around on the road now that he no longer has diplomatic immunity.

Joe Lieberman distanced himself from running mate Al Gore's speech Tuesday after Al Gore distanced himself from running mate Bill Clinton. There's a reason these guys keep their distance. The Federal Election Commission says if they come within three states of each other, it violates the terms of their probations.

Minnesota Viking Randy Moss was arrested Tuesday for bumping a female traffic officer with his car. He was prepared for the police interrogation. In training camp every summer, NFL players are read their Miranda rights until they know them by heart.

America's Ryder Cup team landed in England on Monday but they were jolted by an earthquake during their first practice round. You can bet one player took the L-rd's name in vain. Tiger Woods doesn't like it when anyone talks on his backswing.

Strom Thurmond gave his last speech to the Senate Tuesday before he retires at age one hundred. No one minded his shouting. A lot of senators are hard of hearing, but Strom Thurmond is the only one who can blame it on Yankee cannonballs.

The Census Bureau reported Tuesday that income declined, while poverty levels rose, as the stock market crashed. The good news is, Time magazine is considering President Bush for Man of the Year. The bad news is, that year is 1929.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton