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Jewish World Review May 30, 2002 / 19 Sivan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Nixon Library decided to release all Oval Office conversations secretly taped by Richard Nixon. His recorded remarks are sexist, anti-Semitic and laced with vile language. The tapes secure his place in history as the Father of Rap Music.

Amnesty International ripped the Bush Administration for locking up Al Qaeda fighters in Cuba. The suspects are without lawyers, trials or due process rights. Los Angeles policemen pay a thousand dollars per week to attend fantasy camp there.

The FBI devised a new plan to reorganize itself to achieve better efficiency. Thank goodness. Once the new plan has been implemented, the FBI will be able to ignore warnings, deny responsibility and shift blame in half the time it used to take.

Yasser Arafat's business holdings were revealed on CNBC Tuesday. He controls a $500 million slush fund, he holds a monopoly on cement and he has a 30 percent interest in a casino. Back in high school, he was voted Most Likely to Succeed Jimmy Hoffa.

NATO made Russia a junior partner at the summit in Italy Tuesday. The former superpower feels so humiliated. Just a few years ago, they were the most feared nation on earth and now their agent can't even get them booked into the Axis of Evil.

Eli Lilly unveiled a new Viagra-like pill Monday that works thirty-six hours at a time. Family groups fear it will encourage adultery. Statistics show that forty percent of all married men cheat in America, while the rest cheat in Europe.

NASA scientists in Houston released photographic evidence on Tuesday of the existence of water on Mars and therefore life on Mars. The discovery caused a lot of excitement in Congress. Everybody wants to know if there's soft money out there.

The CIA warned on Tuesday that a nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan could wreak havoc in South Asia. It's simply unimaginable. Only small businesses that have experienced a Wal- Mart opening can describe the desolation and destruction.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton