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Jewish World Review Sept. 3, 2002 / 26 Elul, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Washington Monthly said the White House threatened senators who opposed the nomination of Judge Priscilla Owens with no rides on Air Force One. Democrats are very upset. Air Force One is the only plane in America still serving food in coach.

President Bush will give an interview to CBS' 60 Minutes on September 11th. All day long cable news will be able to devote their airtime to memorials. A truce has been arranged in the summer-long war between two-earner households and child kidnappers.

Germany refused to turn over terrorism evidence against alleged 20th hijacker Zacarias Moussaoui unless we promise not to give him the death penalty. They don't believe in giving mass murderers the death penalty. They believe in giving them Czechoslovakia and Poland.

American Taliban John Walker Lindh is cooperating with federal authorities and is telling federal agents everything he knows. Unfortunately the kid was educated in California. Everything he knows is right-turn-on-red and O.J. did it.

Senator Fred Thompson will join the cast of NBC's Law and Order. The producers said he will play a conservative D.A. who is a strict constructionist on the U.S. Constitution. Won't they be surprised when Senate Democrats keep him off the show.

Michael Jackson mistakenly thanked MTV for naming him Artist of the Millennium at the Video Music Awards in New York on Thursday night. It's hard to believe all those charges against him for child molesting could be true. He looks so normal.

Iraqi rebels are planning a public conference to discuss overthrowing Saddam Hussein. They said it will be in a town in northern Iraq. If we're trying to find out if Saddam possesses weapons of mass destruction, this is as good a way as any.

A United flight from Madison to Chicago was delayed an hour Thursday because a woman asked the pilot if he needed to be breathalyzed. It was understandable. There have been so many incidents lately that Betty Ford is now recruiting in person.

Republican candidates in Texas, Tennessee and North Carolina are running TV commercials attacking Hillary Clinton. They're playing with fire. All Hillary has to do is run one commercial asking if you're better off now than you were four years ago, and Laura Bush will soon be explaining her daily duties to Bill Clinton.

Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld and Condoleezza Rice made speeches urging an attack on Iraq. Meanwhile, Colin Powell hasn't been seen in public for two weeks. Saddam Hussein just decided to go on television and urge the kidnappers to listen to reason.

Al Gore's campaign office in Tennessee received a packet of white powder in the mail. The FBI says it wasn't anthrax. Democrats were just glad to hear that the moment Al Gore realized the danger he had escaped, he had a near-life experience.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton