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Jewish World Review April 23, 2002 / 12 Iyar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Bill Clinton told reporters Friday he would like to serve as the U.S. emissary in the next round of Middle East peace talks. That would require a personal invitation from President Bush. Robert Blake will pay alimony before that happens.

Congress voted $300 million to build a fortified back-up location where they can meet in case of a catastrophe in Washington, D.C. It will be located at an old cavalry fort in Maryland. They needed a place with the trough already installed.

The Saudi Arabian government held a telethon to raise money for the families of Palestinian suicide bombers. The performers were backed by a forty-two piece band. It started out as a three- piece band, but then the conductor's belt went off.

Ariel Sharon withdrew forces Sunday but kept Yasser Arafat's house encircled by Israeli armor. The PLO leader is livid. When a fortune teller told him a year ago he would soon be surrounded by tank tops, he had something more pleasant in mind.

Jesse Jackson volunteered Sunday to go to the Middle East to negotiate a peace deal before it's too late. This man is more prepared than anyone. In case of a national emergency, he's got a shadow family hidden away in an undisclosed location.

U.S. Judge Robert Jones ruled against the Justice Department's attempt to stop Oregon's assisted-suicide law. It was ruled a medical decision. Americans don't want our medical decisions made for us by judges, we want them made by accountants.

The National Football League conducted its college player draft on Saturday. Next is rookie training camp. For thirty days, they must practice getting out of the car, touching their noses, and walking a straight line until it's second nature.

Tonya Harding was arrested Friday night for drunk driving after crashing her truck into a ditch. Just last month, fifteen million people watched her knock out Paula Jones in a celebrity boxing match on Fox. So she had nowhere to go but up.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton