Jewish World Review Jan. 2, 2003 / 28 Teves, 5763
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | And now, for our Annual Review of the Past Year's Mischief:
JANUARY--President Bush was a tremendous hit in his State of the Union Address before Congress Tuesday night. For forty-five minutes, he spoke powerfully, eloquently and persuasively. Everybody agrees it was another Hooked on Phonics Success Story.
FEBRUARY--Enron's former CEO Kenneth Lay was grilled for two hours on Thursday before the Senate Commerce Committee. It didn't produce any surprises. Every time they asked him if Enron inflated their numbers, he pleaded the five hundred fifty-fifth.
MARCH--Osama bin Laden released a really scary video Monday. He tells teenage boys that if they carry out their suicide missions, they will be greeted in heaven by a virgin. Hopefully, the virgin waiting for Osama bin Laden will be Janet Reno.
APRIL--The Queen Mother was subject of tributes Monday after a sterling life on the world stage. During the 1940 bombing of London, she stayed home and risked death rather than go to America to safety. That's how high the taxes were under Roosevelt.
MAY--Yasser Arafat gave reporters a tour of Jenin after the Israelis bulldozed it in reprisal for PLO attacks. The situation has so deteriorated that Palestinian women have a new standard greeting to one another. Does this bomb make me look fat?
JUNE--The Bill Clinton Presidential Library opened a website Tuesday. It will hold the world's largest digital collection of policy papers. If you don't know how to use a computer, the library is listed in the Yellow Pages under escort services.
JULY--SEC Chairman Harvey Pitt lashed out at shady investment practices and inside stock trading Thursday. He meant it. No one wants to say the heat's on, but the next morning Martha Stewart showed her viewers the correct way to thaw Ted Williams.
AUGUST--The West Nile virus was upgraded by U.S. government scientists Tuesday from outbreak to the status of epidemic. You simply can't make it up. A year ago the FBI grounded all the crop dusters and now we're all going to die of mosquito bites.
SEPTEMBER--The Senate refused Thursday to require better SUV mileage in the Energy Bill and at the same time banned drilling in Alaska. It's no wonder we have an energy problem. All the oil is in the Middle East and all the dipsticks are in Washington.
OCTOBER--The Betty Ford Center celebrated its twentieth anniversary Saturday in Palm Desert. The secret to its success is its ability to change with the times. This year, the old Dallas Cowboys dormitory was re-assigned to the Airline Pilots Union.
NOVEMBER--Iraq complained to the U.N. Sunday about the weapons inspections resolution wording. They say the small print gives Washington a pretext to attack. There's always a catch in those zero-percent financing offers for new oil field equipment.
DECEMBER--Cardinal Law was forced to resign Tuesday as Archbishop of Boston. It wasn't priest sex scandals that caused his demise. The axe fell when he said the church wouldn't have all the problems it has today if Strom Thurmond had been elected Pope.