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Jewish World Review July 3, 2002 / 23 Tamuz, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | President Bush underwent an examination of his digestive tract on Saturday at Camp David. Colonoscopies are very common. The procedure was performed on President Clinton back in 1998 and doctors removed two special prosecutors and a wedding ring.

Colin Powell went on Meet the Press Sunday and wished Americans a safe Independence Day holiday. Everyone's jumpy about terrorism. When Powell said the latest threat may require an orange alert, Martha Stewart unloaded all her stock in Sunkist.

Martha Stewart refused yesterday to comment on any investigation of her alleged insider trading in ImClone stock last December 27th. She made off with $200,000 on the deal. The Securities and Exchange Commission is still looking for a motive.

Al Gore criticized the White House Saturday for not capturing Osama bin Laden. It's just a matter of time before we get him. As Wall Street scandals get worse and the market continues to tumble, meaner and nastier people are starting to eye that $25 million reward.

President Bush told the Palestinians last week to get rid of Yasser Arafat. The exact same orders were given to get rid of Saddam Hussein in 1991 and Fidel Castro in 1961. It's the closest thing to eternal life the U.S. government can bestow.

Egypt insisted Sunday that Yasser Arafat is the elected leader of Palestine and has the right to serve, no matter what the U.S. thinks. It's all bravado. The Egyptian Army possesses the only tanks in the world equipped with back-up lights.

Fidel Castro accused Russia Sunday of betraying Cuba and the socialist cause. He has nowhere to turn for advice. Dear Abby would tell him to get a hobby, Dr. Phil would tell him to get in touch with his anger, and Ann Landers would say see ya real soon.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton