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Jewish World Review March 26, 2002 / 13 Nisan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Academy Awards were held in Hollywood on Sunday night at the Kodak Theater on Hollywood Boulevard. The threat of terrorism didn't keep everybody from having a wild time afterwards. Security was at an all-time high, and so was Russell Crowe.

A Beautiful Mind won Best Picture about a math professor with schizophrenia. This disease could hit anybody. Last week, President Bush pledged millions to halt drugs at the border while urging Peru to increase exports to the United States.

Afghan forces said Sunday they arrested a top Taliban general. He supervised all the foreign troops who came to Kabul to fight for al- Qaeda. Some of those kids from Marin needed an awful lot of hand- holding their first night away from home.

The Pentagon said Sunday that 1,000 al-Qaeda fighters have left Afghanistan and are hiding in Pakistan. Officials think they're going to try to make a comeback. U.S. forces searched an abandoned cave near Kabul and found a scale model of the Andy Williams Theater in Branson.

The Pentagon was reported Sunday to be resisting White House pressure to bomb the Afghan poppy fields before harvest time. It's closing fast. Robert Downey Jr. has exactly six weeks to persuade Steven Spielberg to direct him in Saving Private Stash.

Paris held an auction Sunday for the first photograph ever taken by a photographer back in 1825. It's exactly the kind of photo you would expect. On the back of the centerfold, Dolly Madison's turn-offs include Redcoats who burn down her house.

The London Times says Oxford officials took cash bribes to grant admissions to mediocre students. Fund-raising is a full-time job at a university. Chelsea Clinton is charging students twenty grand a night to sleep in Victoria's Dorm Room.

The Washington D.C. police will place video cameras all over the nation's capital to help monitor criminals. Marion Barry expressed opposition to the idea. He's very vain about his looks, and you know how the TV camera puts ten grams on you.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton