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Jewish World Review Feb. 6, 2003 / 4 Adar I, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Bill Clinton will deliver a speech at a Rolling Stones concert in Los Angeles tonight. Security had better be tight. The last thing Los Angeles needs is another married man from out of town asking if he can hang around backstage after the show.

Hollywood rock and roll producer Phil Spector was arrested at his mansion in Los Angeles Monday for the murder of his girlfriend. He's in big trouble with the local game warden. The season doesn't open in Los Angeles until May.

Elizabeth Taylor told Larry King Monday she no longer gets any offers to act in movies. That's show business. Fifteen years ago, Russia was the most feared nation on earth and now their agent can't even get them booked into the Axis of Evil.

The Boston Globe researched Sen. John Kerry and learned his paternal grandparents were Jewish immigrants named Fritz and Ida Kohn. It's no surprise. He claimed to be Irish, but reporters who cover him got suspicious when they noticed he never finishes his beer.

American Airlines said Monday it's losing $5 million a day with no relief in sight. They are desperate. To try to win back old customers, ticket agents are telling young Muslim men it might be possible to work something out.

FBI Director Bob Mueller praised the new Terrorist Threat Integration Center as a big help. It streamlines everything. Thanks to the new system, the FBI can ignore warnings, deny responsibility and shift blame in half the time it used to take.

Senator Robert Byrd stated Friday it's immoral to stage a pre-emptive attack on a sovereign nation. He won't miss the fun this time. Thanks to Viagra, even eighty-four-year-olds can become antiwar activists and enjoy the Free Love Movement.

The L.A. Times said Monday the White House is planning to drop small nuclear bombs to get at deeply buried weapons in Iraq. Don't believe it. We want the oil out of the ground before the French and Germans can say they were with us all along.

Tony Blair flew to Paris Monday to try to persuade the French to back a war resolution against Saddam Hussein. He was on a fool's errand. The only way the French are going into Iraq is if the U.N. inspectors turn up a four-star restaurant.

Israeli tanks bulldozed six Palestinian homes Friday in reprisal for suicide bombings planned in the houses. How fed up are the Israelis? To keep from being shot on sight Yasser Arafat walks around the neighborhood disguised as Adolf Hitler.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton