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Jewish World Review Jan. 21, 2003 / 18 Shevat, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The NBA just opened a website in China so Yao Ming fans can buy licensed NBA merchandise online. The league is in for a surprise. The people of China are not going to pay more than five cents to wear something they were paid three cents to sew.

The Supreme Court last week upheld longer copyrights for cartoon characters. It was a big relief to everybody. For the last several months, the Democratic Party has been terrified that Al Sharpton was about to go into the public domain.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez seized the Coca-Cola bottling plant in Caracas Thursday. It was a logical move from his point of view. When everybody is out to kill you, your life may depend on an adequate supply of caffeine for your bodyguards.

Gary Hart set up a presidential campaign web site Saturday. He quit the 1988 race over his affair with Donna Rice but he says he's more mature now. This is no way to convince voters that he offers a meaningful alternative to President Bush.

The World Cup in men's downhill skiing was held in Switzerland on Friday and won by Austrian racer Stephan Eberharter. It's in his blood. For a German, there is nothing quite as exciting as a sport with an ambulance at the bottom of the hill.

U.S. Olympic Committee head Lloyd Ward got away with steering a lucrative contract to his brother. Five members of the ethics committee resigned in protest and now the U.S. Senate may get involved. They just want to make sure that the best bribe won.

Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia blasted the White House for threatening Iraq Friday. He's famous for passing huge pork barrel projects and for his former Ku Klux Klan membership. It's no wonder he's known as the Conscience of the Senate.

John Kerry called for repeal of President Bush's tax cut. He said the country can't afford to transfer the money to wealthy Americans. When his wife the Heinz heiress hears that comment his Vietnam combat experience may not prove to be enough.

The Super Bowl announced it won't air TV commercials offered by the Las Vegas Tourism Bureau. They don't even show gambling. However the league feels that clips of show girls and strippers might embarrass the team owners who married them.

Queen Latifah pleaded to reckless driving in Los Angeles and two DUI charges were dropped. There was good reason. This week the NFL is considering a team for Los Angeles and the city is anxious to show the league that Los Angeles is user-friendly.

Dr. Thomas Butler of Texas Tech was jailed by the FBI for lying about missing vials of plague bacteria. Federal agents converged on the university, triggering a bioterror panic. Imagine a situation where Bobby Knight is the calmest guy on campus.

The Daisy Girl commercial was brought back by Democrats Friday. In it, an atom bomb goes off as a little girl picks petals off a daisy. It's either an anti-war message or it's the first indication they're going to throw the book at Pete Townshend.

The New York Times cited a new study revealing that the North Atlantic shark population is suffering a serious decline in numbers. It's a tragedy. The law schools have been graduating them faster than the insurance companies can feed them.

Princess Diana's lover James Hewitt was hired by Fox News Channel to be a war reporter in Iraq. The network hired Geraldo Rivera to cover the Afghanistan war. It's been a Fox tradition since the 1992 election to keep adulterers in the line of fire.

GOP strategists said Friday they are preparing attack ads on Hillary Clinton as the potential Democratic VP candidate in 2004. It boils down to retail politics. She may have once sat on the board of Wal-Mart but she will always be a Target to Republicans.

Fox Network renewed the Simpsons through the show's sixteenth season Friday. This sets an all-time record. The Simpsons are now the longest running comedy in the history of American television, but only because The Clintons were term- limited.

The University of Arkansas in Little Rock began its course Thursday night on the Bill Clinton Presidency. The class is being taught in the political science department. Only lab work at Texas Tech carries a greater risk of spreading disease.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton