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Jewish World Review April 8, 2002 / 27 Nisan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Dick Cheney threw out the first pitch Friday at the Texas Rangers home opener in Arlington. You could tell that the public is becoming a little impatient with the war. During the seventh inning stretch, they sang Take Me Out to the End Game.

Southern Baptists called for a boycott of Howard Johnson's because one hotel hosted a sexual bondage convention. We should be nicer to these deviants. There is more than one way to get Abu Zabaydah to tell us where Osama bin Laden is hiding.

Yasser Arafat refused an offer Tuesday to leave the compound in Ramallah and go into exile abroad. No one can get the 72-year old leader to leave his house. It sounds like President Bush should have sent Liza Minnelli instead of Colin Powell.

Israeli army patrols kept a nervous watch Friday on the occupied Arab lands. Last Tuesday, young Arabs were burning, looting and rioting on the West Bank. You would have thought that Hebron had won the NCAA men's basketball finals.

Los Angeles Mayor James Hahn ordered extra police security at synagogues and mosques due to war raging in the Middle East. Jewish Americans and Arab Americans have a very difficult time getting along in Los Angeles. Neither one speaks Spanish.

Stanford published a study Thursday on the genetic risks of cousins marrying. It found that marrying a first cousin isn't likely to produce abnormal children. In three cases out of four it produced the healthiest guests Jerry Springer's ever had on the show.

The IRS announced Tuesday that 50 million Americans still haven't filed their income tax returns. Electronic filing still has a few bugs in the system. No one can figure out how to get the shirt off their back through the telephone lines.

The FAA warned pilots on Thursday to stay out of restricted airspace or face suspension. The closed areas include Crawford, Kennebunkport, and Mt. Vernon. Whenever the nation goes on yellow alert, we protect every president named George.

Secretary of State Colin Powell lands in the Mideast today on behalf of the U.S. government. Everyone thinks it's a peace mission but it could be an invasion. He's the last soldier we have left who's not in South Korea, Bosnia, or Afghanistan.

President Bush called Thursday for an end to Mideast violence by the PLO and Israel and spelled out his administration's policy in simple terms. His new policy is Enough is Enough. That way when he flip-flops, the policy's still the same.

The U.S. Postal Service unveiled a new series of stamps called Greetings from America. The nostalgic designs are intended to promote domestic tourism. Thanks to the latest hike in stamp prices, it's now cheaper to deliver your mail in person.

Cleveland Indian Chuck Finley got beat up Thursday by his actress-wife Tawny Kitaen in Newport Beach. Her love life is a history of mismatches. She dated O.J. Simpson in the 1980s, but he had no use for any woman who could defend herself.

Kathleen Willey was hired Friday to host a radio show. Paula Jones is living off her $1 million settlement, Monica has an HBO series and Hillary's a senator. Give Bill Clinton his due, back in 1992 he did promise better paying jobs for women.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton