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Jewish World Review Nov. 4, 2002 / 29 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Florida polling places inaugurated touch-screens in early voting Friday in Miami. Anyone could win the governor's race. It's between Republican Jeb Bush and Democrat Bill McBride and an Independent who had his name legally changed to For Bingo Press Here.

Walter Mondale was chosen by Minnesota Democrats to carry the party's banner in the U.S. Senate race. No one can believe he's back in politics. Apparently when Minnesotans turned their clocks back last weekend they got a bit carried away.

The White House agreed with Russia and France Friday on the wording of the resolution on Iraq. The U.N. vote will be done by show of hands. They're afraid touch-screen voting might unfairly favor war because the graphics and sound effects are so cool.

SEC Chairman Harvey Pitt admits he withheld information about his accounting oversight board chairman nominee. Turns out he has no accounting experience. In government there are three types of people, those who can count and those who can't.

Las Vegas polls show voters leaning in favor of this week's Nevada ballot measure legalizing marijuana. The town has to protect itself from Yucca Mountain. Once everybody contracts radiation poisoning, watered-down drinks won't be enough to kill the pain.

The University of Tennessee suspended Kappa Sigma fraternity Thursday when members made themselves up to look like the Jackson Five for a talent skit. It took a lot of effort. They had to look everywhere to find a Swedish woman to play Michael Jackson.

North Korea refused Friday to halt its nuclear weapons program. If anything, it's intensifying. North Korea has just announced they have the technology to create campaign commercials linking South Korea to Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy.

Walter Mondale qualifies under a Senate rule for higher pay, a car and driver, and extra staff because he's a former VP. It's no surprise. The Senate's emergency meeting site is located at an old cavalry fort in Maryland because the troughs are pre- installed.

President Bush addresses a Minnesota rally for Norm Coleman tonight. It will be televised live as TV stations try to balance the coverage of the Wellstone memorial. Republicans haven't had three free hours of TV airtime since the Watergate hearings.

Winona Ryder's prosecutors rested Thursday in her shoplifting trial. Jurors gasped as they were shown a $1,500 dress, a $350 hat, a $150 pony tail holder, and an $800 blouse. Saks Fifth Avenue could face twelve years in prison for robbery.

The Exxon Valdez was denied permission by a federal court to return to Prince William Sound where it spilled eleven million gallons of oil. How wary are the locals of the next possible spill? You can't even order a Tanquerey on the Rocks in Alaska.

Bill Clinton is visiting eight states in the final days of the 2002 campaign to help rally Democratic turnout. He always draws a huge crowd. Just the female accusers and their lawyers are enough to fill the first six rows of the grandstands.

Bill Clinton campaigns tonight in Minnesota for Walter Mondale. His daughter Eleanor was listed in the Starr Report as a possible Clinton girlfriend. It's only because Walter Mondale supports gun control that Bill Clinton is alive today.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton