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Jewish World Review Sept. 12, 2002 / 6 Tishrei, 5763

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Senator John McCain agreed to host NBC's Saturday Night Live on October 12th. So while the U.S. Senate is debating the new Homeland Security Department, John McCain will be rehearsing comedy routines that make Washington D.C. lawmakers look like idiots. It seems like an enormous duplication of effort but that's government for you.

Al-Jazeera television broadcast a video Monday that included a voice-over by a man they said is Osama bin Laden. Clearly he's no longer a threat. Once a guy goes from on-camera to voice-overs it's just a small step to regional dinner theater.

First Lady Laura Bush gave an exclusive interview Tuesday to USA Today about her ideas to help build a better America. She was photographed sitting next to Spot. Didn't they have those chairs cleaned after Bill Clinton left the White House?

Florida polls stayed open two hours longer on Tuesday when the balloting was plagued by confusion. Many voters had never operated a touch-screen before. At last count, Janet Reno was running ten thousand votes behind a Girls Gone Wild video.

Janet Reno reminded Florida reporters on Tuesday of the famous Dewey Defeats Truman headline and she compared herself to Harry Truman. Who is she kidding? That little fire at the Branch Davidian compound couldn't shine Hiroshima's shoes.

Noelle Bush copped to holding crack cocaine in a Florida rehab after police found a white, rock-like substance in her shoe. She's learned her lesson. Never again will she spend recreation period playing kick-the-can with Darryl Strawberry.

Golden, Colorado, was ordered Tuesday to devise a water preservation plan for the mountain creek that the townspeople use to brew Coors. It's long overdue. Three times in recent taste tests, blindfolded drinkers identified the beer as Sparkletts.

Osama bin Laden was overheard in a new video on Monday promising each Muslim suicide bomber that a virgin will greet him in heaven. Let's hope so in his case. If there is a G-d, the virgin waiting for Osama bin Laden will be Janet Reno.

The Dallas Cowboys were humiliated by the expansion Houston Texans Sunday night on national television. They just aren't playing like their old selves. If things don't improve they're going to have to fire Betty Ford as the team doctor.

President Bush said Monday the Canadian border must remain open to business and closed to terrorists. It's a touchy issue. Americans are sick and tired of Canadian people coming down to this country and taking jobs away from our Mexicans.

U.S. forces launched an operation into southern Afghanistan Monday to search for Osama bin Laden. There's evidence he's still communicating with the al-Qaeda network. That guy who contacts the dead on Larry King keeps getting a busy signal.

Yasser Arafat addressed the Palestinian Legislative Council Monday. He called for an end to suicide bombings against Israel. Not to be outdone, O.J. Simpson later appeared on Entertainment Tonight and spoke out against violence against women.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton