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Jewish World Review Sept. 30, 2002 / 24 Tishrei, 5763

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Republicans worked with Democrats last week to compose a resolution authorizing force against Saddam Hussein. It's hard to run a war by committee. Under the latest compromise, President Bush is allowed to attack Iraq in exchange for a new post office in Wheeling.

Ted Kennedy warned the Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International Studies Friday that the president is recklessly driving the nation toward war. His views must be taken seriously. He's the U.S. Senate's recognized expert on reckless driving.

Hillary Clinton was briefly investigated last week by the U.S. Olympic Committee for improper lobbying on behalf of New York City. Mrs. Clinton's office denied all wrongdoing. They had James Earl Jones record the denial ten years ago and they're still using it.

Rev. Franklin Graham said the U.S. is being Islamized by huge Saudi donations to U.S. colleges with strings attached requiring that kids be taught about Islam. The plan isn't working anyway. Most Americans still think Ramadan is Holiday Inn's number-one competition.

Boxer Fernando Vargas was revealed Friday to have tested positive for steroids after his losing fight with Oscar De La Hoya on September 14th. It's a problem throughout boxing. You don't think Don King's hair grows that way by itself, do you?

Ted Williams' daughter ended her attempt to unfreeze her father Wednesday. It was a financial decision. When she read that Ice Cube was paid $10 million to star in Barbershop, she could only imagine how much the entire tray would be worth.

NFL star Randy Moss pushed a female traffic cop half a block with his car Tuesday. The man must be seriously ill. If the Vikings had moved to Los Angeles, Randy Moss would be resting comfortably in the hospital under a marijuana dealer's care by now.

Michael Jordan announced Thursday he will return to the NBA to play for the Washington Wizards one more year. He takes a token salary and makes an enormous amount of cash on the side. His dream is to someday be a U.S. senator from New Jersey.

Tropical Storm Isidore headed toward the Ohio Valley Thursday. Forecasters predict people will lose their homes, farmers will be ruined, and electricity will be shut off.

Coincidentally, the Commerce Department predicted the same thing a month ago.

Prince Charles is under fire for writing to legislators asking them to back his positions on issues. It could hurt his popularity. Bill Clinton has lost ten points off his approval ratings since he went from being an adulterer to a lobbyist.

Christie's auctioned relics from Captain Bligh's voyage of 1789. He was cast adrift by his crew while transporting convicts to the South Seas. It's amazing how Australia started out as a prison colony while California has evolved into one.

Bill Clinton spoke in Capetown Friday and discussed everything from the AIDS crisis to Iraq to the baseball playoffs. He is paid one hundred thousand dollars a speech. Giving Bill Clinton money to talk is like giving Visine to a Peeping Tom.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton