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Jewish World Review Dec. 26, 2002 / 21 Teves, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Time honored three female whistleblowers as Persons of the Year Monday. The women's revelations brought down Enron, destroyed WorldCom, and forced the reorganization of the entire FBI. More and more, it looks like Augusta National has the right idea.

The FAO Schwartz holiday catalogue is offering Lingerie Barbie for $45. She's wearing black stockings and stiletto heels with a sexy bustier and a peekaboo black peignoir. All little girls like to play Let's Break Up the Clintons' Marriage.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones met with Bill Parcells to discuss a possible coaching change for next year. Thank goodness he's talking to football people. The last time Jerry Jones went looking for a new face he consulted with Joan Rivers.

Northwestern University started a federal project Monday that pays women to watch porno movies. They want to find out what gets women aroused. It's mostly ho-hum until they run a video of the Denver Mint printing hundred-dollar bills by the stackfuls.

Las Vegas' McCarran Airport was canvassed by the Air Traffic Controller Association on Monday to fend off privatization. They are resisting any Bush administration reforms. The last thing airports need right now is Faith-Based Air Traffic Control.

Anatech Corporation released test results on nuclear reactor safety Monday. They said a reactor can withstand a direct hit from a passenger jetliner. This eliminates the one chance in a trillion al-Qaeda might help us out in North Korea.

United Airlines urged flyers not to cancel trips due to its bankruptcy. This isn't reassuring. You know your airline is in bad shape when the pilot has a heart attack and the air traffic controller talks the flight attendant through takeoff.

President Bush bounced back from his smallpox shot and jogged at Camp David Sunday. He's spent the last five days in a cabin with his parents, his daughters, his wife and his mother-in- law. The smallpox shot was the highlight of the weekend.

David Rockefeller announced Sunday he will build an organic, non-profit farm in the Hudson River Valley in New York. This speaks volumes. The last farm bill passed by Congress was so generous that the Rockefellers are moving to Green Acres.

Iraq invited the CIA Sunday to prove U.S. claims that Iraq manufactured small, radioactive dirty bombs. The risks are well documented. The last time one of these was detonated it resulted in ten years of really bad science fiction movies.

NBC renewed Friends for $10 million dollars per episode. The sitcom has been criticized for its all-white cast, but its popularity is huge. Trent Lott gave serious thought to resigning from the U.S. Senate to play the goofy next-door neighbor.

Republicans vowed Monday to reintroduce a Senate bill to allow oil drilling in Alaska. Opposition isn't just from environmentalists. It's no longer legal to drill through ice without permission from at least two of Ted Williams' children.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton