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Jewish World Review March 4, 2002 / 20 Adar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com -- White House spokesman Ari Fleischer apologized for saying Bill Clinton is to blame for Mideast violence due to the way he conducted peace talks. That wasn't fair. He was just an Arab intern away from being as even-handed as humanly possible.

Medicare unveiled a card Thursday that would give senior citizens a discount on prescription medicine. If costs aren't capped, in fifteen years Baby Boomers might have to choose between food and drugs. It'll be like we never left college.

Fortune released its annual list of the 500 wealthiest Americans in their March issue. There's one new name this year. The three richest Americans are now Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and some fellow in the Cayman Islands named Kenneth von Enron.

The Houston Astros paid Enron $2 million Wednesday to buy back their stadium name. The team just hated to end the association. Having Arthur Andersen around to operate the scoreboard every night really gave the Astros a home field advantage.

Admiral Robert Natter said the U.S. Navy almost ran out of bombs during the air campaign in Afghanistan. He said they had plenty of dumb bombs but the president wanted to use smart bombs. Those mandatory reading tests almost cost us the victory.

President Bush just activated the top-secret Continuity of Operations Plan. He has sent 100 senior government managers to live and work in an underground bunker on the East Coast. Nuclear war or no nuclear war, taxes are due April 15th.

President Bush urged that Americans be allowed to invest Social Security taxes on Wall Street. Math is not his best subject. He wants half of Americans to be in the stock market, half on Social Security, and the remaining half in tax-free bonds.

The National Archives released 500 hours of secretly recorded White House tapes from 1972. In one, Henry Kissinger talks President Nixon out of dropping a nuclear bomb on Hanoi. Even in a POW camp, John McCain was an irritant to establishment Republicans.

Ted Kennedy told Roll Call he's kept a diary for 40 years. He said he takes notes during the day and dictates to a tape recorder every night for a book he plans to write. Doris Kearns Goodwin calls it the best work she's ever written.

Tom Daschle said he's starting to question White House strategy in the War on Terrorism. He told reporters Thursday the war is going nowhere. The moment he said that, Hollywood was buzzing with the news we were about to invade Branson.

Senator Robert Byrd criticized deployment of U.S. military advisors in former Soviet Georgia. We're taking up for everybody. At the rate the War on Terrorism is expanding, Iditerod drivers in Alaska had better not go to the whip this weekend.

Monica Lewinsky appeared on Larry King to promote her HBO show last night called Monica in Black and White. Here's one prediction. Ten bucks says Bill Clinton came home from Blockbuster around six o'clock with Hillary's favorite movie.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton