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Jewish World Review May 7, 2002 / 25 Iyar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Spider-Man made an all-time record $114 million at the movie box office its opening weekend. The comic book superhero is the talk of Hollywood. Already, Marlon Brando is demanding $100 million to play Spider-Man's father in the sequel.

President Bush named Cal Ripken the commissioner for Little League T-Ball games at the White House. It's a vital job. If you're going to pay the players nothing, you must have a commissioner to explain that the league is making no money.

Newsweek says it's learned that Osama bin Laden is alive and well and living in Pakistan. Sources say he's trimmed his beard and appears to be healthier than ever. There's nothing like running every day to keep you looking and feeling great.

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon flew to Washington Sunday for White House meetings. He brought evidence that Yasser Arafat is a terrorist. They were able to get their hands on a recent photograph of him standing in front of a mailbox in rural Nebraska.

Nebraska officials reported Sunday that they have now found six pipe bombs in mailboxes since Friday. It's serious. If you don't think pipe explosions can cause damage, take a look at Darryl Strawberry's fingertips the next time you see him on television.

Cardinal Bernard Law canceled a settlement with sexual abuse victims Sunday after more came forward. He said the Archdiocese simply can't afford the payments. The church is this close to asking Bill Clinton for the phone number of a good lawyer.

California Governor Gray Davis is under fire for a sweetheart deal he pulled with major donor Oracle. The governor agreed to pay $95 million for their software. The sad thing is, Microsoft has the same thing bundled for free in Windows XP.

Saddam Hussein resumes oil exports today after failing to incite an Arab oil embargo against the U.S. last month. He wound up being the only Arab leader in the boycott. He could just kick himself for not networking more back in the 1980s.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton