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Jewish World Review March 5, 2003 / 1 Adar II, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Tiger Woods canceled his appearance in the Dubai Desert Classic Thursday. He knows his limitations. The State Department just warned all golfers who don't like loud noises on their backswings to stay away from the Persian Gulf this weekend.

The America's Cup headquarters in New Zealand received an envelope containing anthrax last week. Yacht racing is a favorite extravagance of the rich. If Democrats had their way, the America's Cup would begin twelve miles upstream from Niagara Falls.

Robert Blake's hearing Monday centered on his alleged hit man's credibility. The guy told three different stories to three people about what the actor asked him to do. In Hollywood, a hit man with Attention Deficit Disorder will always work.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar joined CBS Sports to cover NCAA basketball. Years ago, he played an airline pilot in the movie Airplane. In today's climate the entire theater would race for the exits the moment anybody named Kareem Abdul-Jabbar entered the cockpit.

The Washington Times reported Monday that al-Qaeda has been planning a major attack on Pearl Harbor. According to U.S. intelligence reports, the terrorists like the symbolism of the act. They have always wanted to die in a mushroom souffle.

North Korea intercepted a U.S. reconnaissance plane Monday over the Sea of Japan. Response was swift. Within ten minutes, an American diplomat was sent to Cameroon with a sack of cash to purchase their vote for a U.N. resolution against North Korea.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton