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Jewish World Review May 15, 2002 / 4 Sivan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Martin Sheen agreed Sunday to campaign in Florida next month for Janet Reno. On the West Wing, he plays a liberal Democratic president with high ethical standards and principled moral positions. You guessed it, the writer's on mushrooms.

Julia Roberts testified before the House of Representatives on health issues last week in Washington. She couldn't stay in town very long. After two days on Capitol Hill she started to get homesick for the depth and sincerity of Los Angeles.

Mafia chieftain Joe Bonnano died in Tucson Saturday of natural causes at the age of ninety-seven. This man was a mob legend. He ran such a murderous regime that Jimmy Carter spent twenty years trying to reestablish trade relations with him.

Jimmy Carter flew to Havana Sunday to become the first U.S. president to visit Cuba in seventy years. Old habits are hard to break. Cuba gave him a twenty-one gun salute at the airport, and next time they promise to wait until the plane lands.

Jimmy Carter was granted permission by Fidel Castro Sunday to go anywhere he likes in Cuba. He knows better than to visit Guantanamo Bay. If he couldn't get Iran to release any hostages, what chance does he have with the Bush Administration?

The Likud Party defied Ariel Sharon Monday and passed a resolution saying it will never recognize any Palestinian state. How fed up are the Israelis? To keep from being shot on sight, Yasser Arafat is walking around disguised as Adolf Hitler.

The Washington Times says terrorists plan to attack a U.S. nuclear power plant July 4th. They will reportedly use a small, dirty radioactive bomb. The last time one of these was used it resulted in ten years of really bad science fiction movies.

The Pentagon said 200,000 troops will be required for a war with Iraq. This administration does not want to reinstate the draft. John Ashcroft refuses to go down in history as the attorney general who brought back the Free Love movement.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton