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Jewish World Review March 22, 2002 / 9 Nisan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | The Independent Counsel issued a final report Wednesday saying no charges can be brought against Bill and Hillary Clinton. It took seven years, required two independent counsels and cost $70 million. Getting away with everything, priceless.

The White House proposed combining the Immigration and Naturalization Service with the Customs Service. What a great idea. Picture an organization with the efficiency of the Post Office and the courtesy of the IRS, all at Pentagon prices.

Pamela Anderson announced to the world Wednesday she's got Hepatitis C which she said she contracted by sharing a tattoo needle with her ex-husband Tommy Lee. She got the news on Friday morning. Those new airport scanning machines are amazing.

Steven Spielberg's E.T. gets re-released to movie theaters this weekend. The director made a few changes to bring it up to date. This time, when the alien flies a bicycle across the face of the moon, he gets shot down by F-16 fighter jets.

President Bush flew to Mexico for two days of economic meetings. It's part of an exchange program. Last year, Mexican president Vicente Fox came to the U.S. to visit his people, so this year, President Bush went to Mexico to visit our jobs.

Don Rumsfeld said military tribunals will give terrorists a fair trial. All defendants will be presumed innocent. That's the difference between a terrorist on trial before a military tribunal and a nun trying to get on an airplane in Orlando.

Dick Cheney wrapped up his 12-nation visit to the Middle East after assuring the Arabs that the U.S. has no plans to attack Iraq. That's true. We're going to ship them a planeload of San Francisco dog trainers and let nature take its course.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton