Jewish World Review April 21, 2003 / 19 Nisan, 5763
important news ....
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Colin Powell insisted Wednesday that Syria must expel any member of Iraq's regime in hiding there. There's just one problem. No one wants to deal with the refugee crisis that would result if you expelled everybody from Syria who looks suspicious.
U.S. Marines raided the Baghdad home Wednesday of the Iraqi scientist known as Dr. Germ. They killed Chemical Ali and broke up the Axis of Evil. Hollywood hates President Bush because he produces much better feature-length cartoons than they do.
San Francisco announced Wednesday it will bottle and sell its famously pure drinking water. They are testing it against the best labels. Scientists say the three purest bottled waters in the world are Evian, San Pelligrino and Coors Light.
The Dixie Chicks were reported Thursday to have lost a Lipton Tea commercial due to their political views. It makes no sense. What kind of country western group would risk their careers by doing a commercial for a non-alcoholic beverage?
Saddam Hussein was shown on a recent video Friday waving to a cheering crowd in Baghdad. Those days are gone. Not only has he been overthrown and run out of town but now his mistress wants to tell him something on the Jerry Springer Show.
U.S. forces discovered $656 million in U.S. currency stashed in a Baghdad suburb on the Tigris River Friday. The money was just lying around for anyone to find. A lot of Americans who did not cry at the rescue of Jessica Lynch are in tears now.
The White House threatened Thursday to spray the poppy fields in Syria. They want to destroy the drug crop before it can be harvested. If President Bush intended to pay for his library by selling his story to Hollywood, he can forget it.
Gary Hart told a Saint Anselm College crowd in New Hampshire Wednesday that he wants college interns to help on his campaign. So what if he was compromised by a blonde on a boat called the Monkey Business? Politics is the art of compromise.
Bill and Hillary Clinton spent the weekend working furiously on their books. They're both past deadline. She was last overheard asking him if skirt-chaser was hyphenated and he was last overheard asking her if ice queen is one word or two.
Syrian president Bashar Assad was accused Monday of harboring terrorists from South Asia. It's sentimental. He's an ophthalmologist, and Kyrgyzstan is more than a Muslim brother nation to Bashar Assad, it's the eye chart on his old office wall.
French President Jacques Chirac called President Bush on Tuesday to discuss rebuilding Iraq. It was an awkward moment. The next time, President Bush will know better than to pick up the phone when the Caller ID screen says Ungrateful Name.
Baghdad's hospital system was reported Monday to be on the brink of complete collapse. Only fourteen of the city's thirty- three medical facilities were open. How the Iraqis got themselves into a malpractice insurance crisis less than six days into democracy is a tribute to the speed and skill of American trial lawyers.
Michael Jordan played his last NBA game Wednesday after he failed to lead the Washington Wizards into the play-offs for two years. There's no shame in that. He's not the first guy to retire in disgrace after promising to clean up the mess in Washington.
The Anaheim Mighty Ducks stunned the Stanley Cup champion Detroit Red Wings early in the NHL playoffs. The players vowed to win it all this week at the Pond in Anaheim. Only the U.N. Security Council was ever home to more toothless resolutions.
Monica Lewinsky was hired by the Fox network to host a dating show called Mr. Personality, which premieres tonight. It's great news for the economy. The stock market reached eleven thousand the last time Monica Lewinsky was on Mr. Personality.
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