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Jewish World Review May 24, 2002 / 13 Sivan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | New York Mets star Mike Piazza called a press conference Tuesday to announce he's not gay. The announcement caught everybody by surprise. For the first time in a week, the country will forgive President Bush if he didn't see this one coming.

Dick Cheney issued a terrorism alarm Sunday to very little public reaction. These alerts are getting old. It was shaping up to be another boring week until Wednesday when word arrived that Gary Condit had crossed the border into Pakistan.

Phoenix FBI agent Ken Williams was hailed in Congress Wednesday for warning that Arab flight students might crash a plane into a skyscraper. He won't be with the FBI very long. Miss Cleo just offered him $2 million a year to work the phones.

Europe agreed Wednesday to accept twelve of the thirteen exiled Palestinian militants from Cyprus. Officials are still looking for a country willing to take the last remaining man. He's believed to be the PLO Chairman's brother, Roger Arafat.

Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted in an interview Wednesday he is interested in someday running for governor of California. It's a ways off. Clint Eastwood may have to serve two terms before Californians are emotionally prepared for German rule.

President Bush arrived in Berlin on Wednesday and urged Germany's government to keep fighting in the war on terrorism. We knew that U.S. intelligence was bad but this is ridiculous. What idiot told the president that Germans are gun-shy?

Jesse Ventura vetoed a bill on Wednesday requiring public school students to recite the pledge of allegiance. He said he didn't think children should be told what to say. There's plenty of time for that when they become professional wrestlers.

The Pew Center Poll says a third of Democrats don't think party leaders are speaking out enough about President Bush's policies. It can't be helped. When The West Wing finishes its season, Martin Sheen does regional theater in Cleveland.

Bill Clinton returned from Asia Wednesday to begin working for an investment firm based in Los Angeles. He's considered by Republicans to be an immoral, self-centered, vain stage hog. The question is, who's going to notice him in Los Angeles?



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton