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Jewish World Review May 5, 2003 / 3 Iyar, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | President Bush wasn't subtle Friday when he was told of higher unemployment figures. He said tax cuts are needed so citizens can find jobs. The president's emphasis on citizenship threw a bucket of cold water on a lot of Cinco de Mayo parties today.

President Bush spoke from the USS Abraham Lincoln Thursday as Democrats were gathering in South Carolina. It made Syria nervous. Any bartender will tell you that War Fever is made with one part Abraham Lincoln and three parts South Carolina.

President Bush was cheered as he climbed out of the fighter jet Thursday. He said he flew the plane but he didn't need to know how to take off or land. The Minneapolis office of the FBI took note of his remarks and issued its standard alert.

Saddam Hussein was shown in a new video Friday taken of him during the fall of Baghdad. He looked old and tired, defeated and baggy-eyed, but he talked like a man who could still win. No comedian ever did a better Walter Mondale impression.

Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean aided a woman who fell and hit her head on the sidewalk Friday in South Carolina. He's a physician. Just the sight of him lying on the ground with a strange woman in his arms was enough to make Democrats think he might have what it takes to win.

Al Gore made an appearance at a Harlem charity event Tuesday. He wore a suit and tie to a community picnic. Al Gore requested permission to visit U.S. troops stationed in Baghdad but canceled when he saw what they do to statues in that town.

Al Sharpton discussed Harlem issues with Southern voters Monday. New Yorkers are self-absorbed. When Al Sharpton first heard the brutal dictator and his sons were no longer in power, he simply assumed George Steinbrenner had sold the Yankees.

Don Rumsfeld visited Afghanistan Thursday and hailed the people for their progress. They are coming right along in the development of free-market competition. The first thing they did was give Mr. Rumsfeld the exact coordinates for Syria's poppy fields.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton