Jewish World Review August 4, 2003 / 6 Menachem-Av, 5763
Argus Hamilton
And now for the
important news ....
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The Rolling Stones drew five hundred thousand fans at a
concert Wednesday in Toronto. The usual number of groupies partied
with the band. The Rolling Stones still do drugs in the backstage
dressing room only now there's a fifty dollar co-pay.
Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee urged the National
Hurricane Center to give black names to hurricanes. It could save
lives. Galveston police won't have to tell people twice to board
up their windows if Mike Tyson is about to make landfall.
President Bush said Wednesday marriage should be between a
man and woman and that White House lawyers are writing legislation
to that effect. The Defense of Marriage Act was already signed by
President Clinton. He's nothing if not flexible.
The Pentagon shut down its proposed futures market Wednesday
that would have let investors bet on future acts of terrorism.
It's insane. Imagine being upset about an airliner hijacking that
happened one Friday night because you had Saturday.
Dick Gephardt was endorsed for president on Thursday by the
Teamsters. Their pension fund built the Las Vegas Strip for the
Mafia and backed Richard Nixon. A grown man with red hair and
freckles must do whatever it takes to look like a player.
The Census Bureau said Wednesday the birth rate in the
United States reached an all-time low this past year. It's another
side effect of Viagra. More women are running off with older men
who have higher bank balances and lower sperm counts.
Seabiscuit was ripped by movie critics for implying that a
racehorse lifted the country out of the Great Depression. It's an
improvement. Most Americans today think the Great Depression
didn't end until Franklin Roosevelt invented Prozac.
The London Sun said Joe Stalin ordered hit men in 1943 to
kill John Wayne as an enemy of the Soviet Union. You think we have
bad intelligence? They tried to kill John Wayne while Ronald
Reagan was walking around Hollywood in broad daylight.
President Bush refused Saudi Arabia's request to declassify
the September 11th report. This is getting weird. You know your
president is a little too secretive when the most closed society
in the Islamic world is beseeching you to be more open.
Senator Hillary Clinton is flying to California to promote
her autobiography and campaign against the recall of Governor Gray
Davis. Her participation could turn the tide. No one does a better
job of not recalling than Hillary Clinton.
Howard Dean spoke in Iowa to the Plumbers and Steamfitters
Union and called for repealing all Bush tax cuts. He really needs
the union on his side. Howard Dean will need a steamfitter at the
Democratic Convention to shut off all the hissing when delegates
learn that his grandparents founded two Wall Street brokerage firms.
Texas Senate Democrats fled to Albuquerque Monday to prevent
Republicans from passing redistricting. They picked Albuquerque
for a reason. The hotels there offer Democrats far more adult
entertainment channels than the Holiday Inn in Ardmore.
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© 2002, Argus Hamilton
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