Jewish World Review May 13, 2002 / 2 Sivan, 5762
important news ....
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Bill Clinton told National Public Radio his talk show isn't likely to happen soon. He added that he would like a forum where he can speak to people about the subjects he cares most about. However, so far Penthouse refuses to print his letters.
President Bush told Ohioans Friday he wants to stiffen the work requirements for welfare recipients. He declared that hard work is essential if people are going to lead dignified lives. He might have to add Los Angeles to the Axis of Evil.
The Senate will fight Don Rumsfeld's decision to cancel the Army's Crusader cannon. It's named for Christian knights who failed to conquer the Holy Land in the 10th, 11th and 12th centuries. The first sign of addiction is the belief that this time it's going to be different.
Israel withdrew troops and armor from Bethlehem Friday. To appease the U.S., the Israelis have voluntarily pulled back troops in 1948, 1956, 1967, 1973, 1982, and in 2002. One more withdrawal and they will tie Robert Downey Jr.'s all-time record.
United States and British troops blew up four caves in Afghanistan that were packed with rockets and grenades and plastics explosives. The explosions went on for hours. People fifty miles away thought that the Lakers had won the playoffs.
Kato Kaelin is pitching a TV show called House Guest where he rings stranger's door bells and asks if he can stay with them. It sounds like a hit. Kato Kaelin is living proof that, at some time back in the 60s, Gilligan and Ginger had a child.
Elizabeth Taylor is writing a book about her jewels and how she got them. It explains the 33-carat diamond from two-time husband Richard Burton. Apparently, that's how two-timers got out of trouble before women could serve in the U.S. Senate.
Julia Roberts appeared before Congress Thursday to testify about health care issues. She's been to Capitol Hill before. While researching her role in Pretty Woman, she spent a month hanging around Congress watching cash-for-favors in action.
President Bush denounced Democrats Thursday for refusing to confirm judicial nominees. It's out of hand. The way Northern senators talk about Southern judges, America has a lot of nerve telling Arabs and Israelis to bury the hatchet already.
President Bush got a warm reception for his proposal to overhaul Palestinian security. It simply must be tightened. Yesterday, Winona Ryder walked out of the Church of Nativity gift shop with $2,000 worth of souvenirs and nobody said a word.
Palestinian terrorists emerged from the Church of the Nativity Thursday and boarded an airport bus. Next they were flown to Cyprus. Then, after a two-day cooling off period, Mike Tyson's training camp has agreed to grant them citizenship.
Antarctica had an entire glacier plunge into the sea on Thursday. Scientists say the ice shelf was ten times the size of Manhattan. Flight school directors spent the next day combing their graduation lists for penguins with expired visas.
Bill Clinton spoke Friday night to a Beverly Hills group called Natural Resources Defense Council. It was a big success. It's no surprise to see him addressing an environmental group, because it takes a lot of green to hire Bill Clinton nowadays.
Vanity Fair magazine announced it's running glamour fashion photographs of Chelsea Clinton in the June issue and billing her as the next John F. Kennedy Jr. That is just laughable. Any Republican will tell you that Chelsea's father is bulletproof.
Mailbox bomber Luke Helder said he wanted to place pipe bombs across America to make a Smiley Face pattern on the map. Blame it on Hollywood. Apparently there is nothing that a certain segment of this society won't do to impress Jodie Foster.