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Jewish World Review Jan. 7, 2003 / 4 Shevat, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | China landed a space capsule safely Sunday after one week in orbit. Their first manned mission is scheduled later this year. The difference between their space program and our space program is that in their space program, Tang is the pilot.

California GOP vice chairman Bill Back apologized for circulating a letter which said the nation would have been better off if the South had won the Civil War. Reaction was swift. Within the hour, Strom Thurmond's wife called and asked if he does birthday parties.

The Ottawa Senators in the National Hockey League couldn't make payroll last week and the team is looking desperately for a buyer. No one knows how much it costs to buy the Senators. In Washington, it's against the Lobbyists' Code to reveal dollar amounts.

The Seattle airport was evacuated Sunday after authorities noticed a security screener who was sound asleep on the job. It was infuriating. Under federal work rules, the screener was awakened, handed his belongings, and promoted to supervisor.

Civil rights groups plan to oppose John Snow and Bill Donaldson's nomination to the Treasury and SEC because they opposed slavery reparations. They say compensation is due to many people who suffered from a great wrong. That pound of flesh from Trent Lott didn't go very far.

The U.S. Navy sent the hospital ship Comfort to the Persian Gulf Monday where it will dock in case there is war. Things could get ugly. When 500,000 radical Muslims see a white ship with a giant red cross on it, they're sure to think it's Richard the Lionhearted.

U.N. weapons inspectors blocked off entire streets in Baghdad on Sunday. They actually searched through women's shopping bags. Saddam Hussein is in material breach of the resolution if Winona Ryder doesn't have receipts for that merchandise.

Clonaid announced Sunday another cloned baby will be born under the group's supervision in February. The birth date was a complete surprise to astrologers. They were predicting that any test-tube baby would be born under the sign of Pyrex.

General Motors on Monday unveiled a $250,000 Cadillac concept car. It has a 1,000-horsepower engine, a leather back seat that folds into a bed, a glass roof and a chilled-champagne compartment. If this kind of car had only been available thirty years ago, Bill Clinton might have become a televangelist.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton