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Jewish World Review Jan. 23, 2003 / 20 Shevat, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Oakland Raiders made it into the Super Bowl. It wasn't easy. They had to win by large margins last week because Philadelphia and Tennessee were awarded an extra twenty points apiece for having a black quarterback.

San Diego is nervously bracing for the Super Bowl on Sunday. Fear is in the air. Now that the Marines have shipped out of Camp Pendleton, there's nothing to compel Raiders fans to abide by the third-date rule during their stay in San Diego.

The Oakland Raiders were recognized by the NFL Tuesday as top seller of team merchandise. Things have really changed. The Dallas Cowboys used to sell the most jerseys until the DEA got a ruling that wearing them constitutes probable cause.

A Northwest Airlines pilot was arrested at LaGuardia Tuesday after luggage screeners found a loaded handgun in his carry-on bag. It sends a message to the airline industry. Pilots will do whatever it takes to get their paychecks on time.

Harry Belafonte was cheered at a black church in Chicago Sunday when he said America's villainy created Osama bin Laden. He was in Chicago for a reason. You can't get anyone to riot in L.A. because all the flat-screen TVs are bolted into the walls at Circuit City.

Saddam Hussein's son Uday is under investigation by the International Olympic Committee for forcing Iraqi Olympic athletes to jump off bridges and to crawl along freshly asphalted roads. It may have cost them their last ally. The mere existence of roads and bridges ought to convince Ted Kennedy that Iraq has dangerous weapons.

The French ambassador addressed the Security Council Monday. He said nothing justifies a war on Saddam Hussein. There's just something about a man in uniform with absolute power and a black mustache that makes the French go weak at the knees.

President Bush vowed to lead a coalition of the willing against Iraq Tuesday after France and Russia urged patience. It's a familiar phrase. Until George W. Bush became president, coalition of the willing was the White House intern program.

Israel ignored protesters and staged the biggest demolition in the West Bank in over thirty years. They destroyed sixty-two shops in a Palestinian village in one afternoon. You guessed it, they opened a Wal-Mart just outside the city limits.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton