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Jewish World Review July 17, 2002 /8 Menachem-Av, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Tiger Woods leads a strong field into the British Open Thursday at Muirfield in Scotland. He's the heavy favorite to win. Most observers agree that Tiger Woods is the finest athlete in the world currently being stored at room temperature.

Allen Iverson threw a house party that lasted until six in the morning Sunday prior to his agreed surrender Tuesday. He got a special arrangement. Until his lawyer returned from vacation he was allowed to be legally advised by Dennis Rodman.

CBS shook off criticism Monday about its Adolf Hitler mini- series this fall. The network also drew fire for scheduling a Victoria's Secret lingerie fashion show. Apparently, the motto at CBS this fall is, Last One to Paris is a Rotten Egg.

The Producers is about to open on the Los Angeles stage. It's a comedy about investor fraud and accounting swindles. Unfortunately, thanks to investor fraud and accounting swindles, nobody in America has a hundred bucks left to see the show.

Al Gore announced Friday he will attend his first auto race at the Nashville Superspeedway this coming weekend for the Firestone 200. The crowd is sure to be in a surly mood. When President Bush first took office it was the Firestone 500.

Osama bin Laden was reported by an Arab newspaper in London to be alive and in good health Monday. He's a shadow of his former self. He's the scariest mask this Halloween, but that's only because nobody knows what Arthur Andersen looks like.

John Walker Lindh pleaded guilty to aiding the Taliban and asked the judge to send him to a minimum security prison near his parents' home in Marin County. So it will be like nothing's changed. He's lived in a gated community all his life.

Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist told a public affairs commission Monday that federal judges must get a raise. He said the private sector pays so much more. Ken Griffey Jr. gets $15 million a year to sit on the bench in Cincinnati.

U.S. Rep. James Trafficant was hauled before the House Ethics Committee Monday. He was just convicted of bribery, fraud, tax evasion and racketeering. He faces expulsion from the House for using the Speaker's parking space without permission.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton