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Jewish World Review June 23, 2003 / 20 Sivan, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas became Planet Hollywood Casino after the bankruptcy sale was approved Friday. The hotel has an Arab theme. The last time Hollywood went this deep into the Arab world, it was riding on a camera dolly behind Peter O'Toole.

Southern California saw a spectacular runaway freight train crash Friday. No one was killed. The cause is under investigation, but the front window of the locomotive had a hole in it the exact size of an engineer holding a cellphone.

President Bush attended a fundraiser at Reynolds Plantation in Georgia. This could be trouble. Jesse Jackson is just dying to know how Republicans raised two million dollars in one hour on a Georgia plantation without holding a slave auction.

General Wesley Clark and Senator Joe Biden hinted Friday they might join the race for president. This would clutter the field with eleven Democrats. To gain an edge with touch-screen voters, John Kerry wants to change his name to Quick Cash.

Iyman Faris of India was jailed for plotting to blow up the Brooklyn Bridge. He shouldn't get the death penalty. Hindus believe in reincarnation and Americans don't want to give him the opportunity to come back in his next life as a prairie dog.

Max Factor heir Andrew Luster was flown to California from Mexico on Thursday to go to jail. He slipped date rape drugs to women and videotaped them. He faces a hundred years in prison under California law for impersonating a casting director.

California Governor Gray Davis faces a near-certain recall election in September. Anybody in the state who pays the filing fee can run for governor. So if Robert Blake agrees to run on his record of making problems disappear, he can sign his own pardon.

Tony Blair was accused in Parliament of exaggerating the threat by Iraq. His opponents say he sexed-up the evidence. They know if Saddam Hussein was really holding Halle Berry hostage, Bill Clinton would have started the war three years ago.

Hillary Clinton last week went on the South Beach Diet. She is preparing for the battle of her life. Abe Lincoln had John Wilkes Booth, Jack Kennedy had Lee Harvey Oswald, and any woman who becomes president has the White House pastry chef.

Hillary Clinton hosted a book signing party in Bethesda Monday. She just set a book sales record. Hillary Clinton is so popular that President Bush decided to guarantee his re-election by introducing health care reform that is sure to fail.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton