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Jewish World Review August 1, 2003 / 3 Menachem-Av, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The World Series of Poker got underway at Binion Casino in Las Vegas. It's a real company town. When Uday and Qusay Hussein were killed in Mosul last Tuesday, it was announced on Las Vegas local news that President Bush has two aces in the hole.

U.S. troops captured Saddam Hussein's personal bodyguard in Tikrit Tuesday and the man is believed to have detailed knowledge of the dictator's hiding places. Saddam Hussein is hiding where American troops will never find him. He's in Liberia.

Saudi Arabia's foreign minister flew to Washington Monday to protest any suspicions about his government. His timing was fortunate. Many Americans are more open to the Saudi viewpoint now that the Supreme Court has decided to legalize sodomy.

The Dallas Cowboys began training camp under Bill Parcells' strict rule. The players are not allowed to go out at night. The medical staff placed a picture of Kobe Bryant in every dormitory room in an effort to avoid heat-related injuries.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck attended the premiere of their new movie Gigli Monday night. On her ring finger was a huge diamond he just bought her in Los Angeles. They are not even married yet and already he's cheating on her in Colorado.

Bob Hope was mourned Tuesday by the veterans he entertained at USO shows. He tried to enlist in World War II but was told he would be of more service to his country getting laughs. It was the same thing that kept Bill Clinton out of Vietnam.

Bill Clinton raised money in the Bowery last week for his library in Little Rock. It should be in Los Angeles. The bars are full of women with fake nails, false eyelashes and breast implants who complain there are no real men in this town.

Saddam Hussein issued a taped message Tuesday on Arab television. He saluted his sons for their six-hour gunfight against the Americans and said they were martyrs. He further asked that in lieu of flowers, donations be sent to North Korea.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton