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Jewish World Review August 13, 2003 / 15 Menachem-Av, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | New York Giant Jeremy Shockey apologized for blabbing about sex on the road in the NFL. He vowed to button up. League schedule makers have enough trouble putting a season together without having to work around everybody's preliminary hearing dates in Colorado.

Oklahoma State hosted Democratic hopefuls in Stillwater Tuesday. The candidates need help from the famed agricultural school. Democrats want no more actors in the race and Arnold the Pig from Green Acres has been making noises lately in Iowa.

Howard Dean addressed a cheering crowd in Philadelphia Monday. He started as governor of a tiny all-white state in the Northeastern corner of the country. When Bill Clinton left the White House, he applied for membership and Vermont turned him down.

California Governor Gray Davis placed his entire career in the hands of Bill Clinton this week. The numbers tell the story. Gray Davis can hang onto the black and Hispanic vote by himself, but if he concedes the adulterer vote to Arnold Schwarzenegger, he's toast.

Gray Davis's motorcade was clocked by the highway patrol at 94 mph last week going from Monterey to Los Angeles. Normally he flies the route, but aides say there was a serious problem with the plane. The in-flight movie was Terminator Three.

Gray Davis and Arnold Schwarzenegger began an epic battle for California's governorship Monday. It makes no sense to Los Angeles. Power must be the ultimate aphrodisiac, or why would a multi-millionaire actor and an Episcopalian spend twenty million each to live in a town where they ring cowbells at basketball games?

Cosmonaut Yuri Malenchenko and Ekaterina Dmitriev were married on Sunday via satellite between the space station and mission control in Houston. Talk about unique. Their marriage was the only union all week that didn't endorse Dick Gephardt.

California's Secretary of State certified porno star Mary Carey as a candidate for governor on Monday. She wants a tax on all breast implants. It's a novel idea for legislators who for years have been groping for a way to balance the budget.

Unabomber Ted Kaczynski asked a judge Monday to make the FBI give him back his seized papers and one of his bombs. He wants to donate them to a university archive. Who had any idea there was already a Saddam Hussein Presidential Library?

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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01/02/03:Annual Review of the Past Year's Mischief
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© 2002, Argus Hamilton