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Jewish World Review Sept. 8, 2003 / 11 Elul, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Congress held hearings Thursday on the Bowl Championship Series. This is what determines the college football national champion. The only way Congress can justify its recent pay raise is by working on the issues that really matter to the American people.

The Democrats held a candidate debate in Albuquerque Thursday night. It was opposite the NFL season opener with its lead-in concert by Britney Spears in hot pants. The next day, Bill Clinton took a guess and said Howard Dean won the debate.

The Supreme Court hears oral arguments today on the McCain- Feingold campaign finance reform. It's a matter of constitutional rights. The justices will only uphold the law if they can be convinced that McCain and Feingold are sleeping together.

Don Rumsfeld blasted Syria and Iran Thursday for failing to stop terrorists from infiltrating Iraq. He can't believe any country in this day and age cannot control its borders. Apparently this is a man who's never been south of Kansas City.

The White House public tours resumed Wednesday after a two- year shutdown. It includes the West Wing and the Oval Office. These tours are so much more relaxed now that no one has to worry about Bill Clinton suddenly appearing in his underwear.

The Democratic presidential candidates debated in Albuquerque on Thursday. It was wild. In a shameless attempt to pander to Hispanic voters, they hung Howard Dean from a hook on the ceiling and took turns trying to make candy come out of him.

USA Today reported Tuesday that most Powerball lottery winners stay on their jobs while collecting annual payments. Why not? If a guy wants to sit around and do nothing for $150,000 a year, he should have to run for Congress like everybody else.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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01/02/03:Annual Review of the Past Year's Mischief
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© 2002, Argus Hamilton