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Jewish World Review May 21, 2003 / 19 Iyar, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Baghdad newsstands were reported Monday to be selling out of a new tabloid called Assaah. It's been decades since they had a free press. The newsstands also offer the New York Times, but the Iraqi people are sick of reading official lies every day.

New York Times former reporter Jayson Blair checked into a rehab for cocaine use after getting fired for plagiarism. His friends are relieved. Apparently Jayson Blair is the kind of guy who would steal your dope then help you look for it.

Adolf Hitler: the Origins of Evil was shown on the CBS Sunday Night Movie in a huge ratings gamble. NBC counter- programmed with Law and Order. Law and Order beat Hitler, providing the first solid evidence that the War on Terrorism is working.

Jack Kennedy was exposed in An Unfinished Life by historian Robert Dallek to be a serial womanizer who had affairs with starlets, mob dolls and teen interns. He was also glamorous, funny, articulate, poetic, courageous and inspiring. Still, the more we learn about Jack Kennedy, the less surprised we are that his back hurt.

Alabama Governor Bob Riley proposed a tax increase to offset the huge budget deficits. He may lay off three thousand teachers. State workers are so worried about being fired that Alabama's new football coach won't even shop at a strip mall.

The Pentagon admitted Monday al-Qaeda prisoners are being subjected to eight straight hours of the theme song from Barney. Talk about making more bin Ladens. The exact same experience has driven more than one parent to want to blow something up.

Democrat Dick Gephardt spoke in Iowa Monday and laid out his case for health care reform. He said catchy, feel-good television commercials are causing patients to pressure doctors for unnecessary drugs. Lately millions of senior citizens have been flooding into medical buildings demanding prescriptions for Coors Light.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton