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Jewish World Review May 23, 2002 / 12 Sivan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Bill Clinton stopped off in Japan on his way back from East Timor Tuesday to accept an honorary college degree in Tokyo. They know him well. When he walked onstage to receive the degree the orchestra played Pomp and Circumstantial Evidence.

Zacarias Moussaoui refused Monday to let a psychiatrist assess his competence to represent himself in court. He's charged with advance knowledge of the World Trade Center attacks. If convicted, he could get eight years as Director of the FBI.

The State Department claimed Tuesday that Iran is the most active sponsor of terrorism around the world. No one can be certain about their motives. All we know is that whenever Ted Koppel's career needs a boost, Iran is right there for him.

The FBI warned New York Tuesday that public landmarks could be attacked any time. The Statue of Liberty is believed to be in particular danger. Every time John Ashcroft suspends a civil right, another chunk of copper falls into the ocean.

Dick Cheney warned Sunday of a possible Al Qaeda assault that could destroy thousands of lives. He's given this a lot of thought. He believes the only way Americans can protect themselves from terrorist attack is to wear caribou carcasses.

The White House refused on Tuesday to let airline pilots carry guns for fear they might kill innocent people. This makes no sense. If we think they're going to kill innocent people, we shouldn't give them a pilot's license in the first place.

Senator Tim Hutchinson rode the issue of family values to renomination this week in Arkansas. He left his first wife to marry his Capitol Hill assistant. The reason politicians love families so much is because they have so many of them.

Hispanic activists are mad over the new Star Wars film because the attacking clones look too much like Mexicans swarming over the border. Merchandising tie-ins didn't help. At every Taco Bell, they're giving away Pat Buchanan action figures.

Hillary Clinton was touted by leading Democrats Friday as an excellent vice-presidential candidate in 2004. However, she could never be Al Gore's running mate. For starters, Gore-Clinton sounds like the chant at a Republican bullfight.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton