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Jewish World Review June 18, 2002 / 8 Tamuz, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Tiger Woods won the U.S. Open Golf Championship Sunday at the Bethpage Black course on Long Island. With this victory, he finds himself closing in on a new record. Over a period of six years, only the North Vietnamese captured more majors.

Scooby-Doo had a $56 million opening weekend while Spider- Man went past the $200 million mark. It wasn't overlooked in Washington. Last night, the Democratic National Committee sent telegrams to Gray Davis and Al Gore begging them to be more animated.

United States played Mexico in World Cup soccer on Sunday night. It was no contest. The Mexico team went into the game with five goals, namely, a safe crossing, false documents, subsidized housing in Los Angeles, Medicaid and amnesty.

The Pentagon began building anti-missile shield launch pads in Alaska Sunday. There are two views on this project. Conservatives say the system will protect the U.S. from a surprise attack, but Dr. Phil says a missile shield is just another way of avoiding intimacy.

The Washington Post reports President Bush in April ordered covert action to topple the government of Iraq and placed the CIA completely in charge. It will be a nice change of pace for the agency. They've been overthrowing Fidel Castro since 1959.

Afghanistan's loya jirga gathering failed to agree on any plan for the new government Sunday. The meeting degenerated into shouting and fingerpointing. If we don't get the CIA and FBI out of there soon, these guys will never get any work done.

The FBI arrested a woman Sunday for starting the biggest fire in Colorado history. She was in the woods reading a letter from her estranged husband and got so angry she burned it, and the fire has burned 100,000 acres, threatened 10,000 homes and caused the evacuation of 5,400 residents. It's another Viagra success story.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton