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Jewish World Review July 23, 2002 /14 Menachem-Av, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Tiger Woods suffered his worst day in his pro career Saturday in the British Open and shot an 81. Conditions were deplorable. The howling winds and downpour left everybody completely soaked, and that was just the stock brokerage commercials.

Wall Street tumbled to a close Friday after its worst week in modern memory. The slide left stock forecasters speechless. No one wanted to say everyone was going under, but Hollywood picked the perfect weekend to release a submarine movie.

The Wall Street Journal reported the Dow Jones finished Friday at its lowest level since 1998. The same day, the paper listed the deaths of two investors. One had tuberculosis at eighty-one and the other had AOL Time Warner at seventy-six.

The Dow Jones meltdown focused American attention squarely upon the New York Stock Exchange. The market is all anybody talks about. The Axis of Evil is so yesterday it couldn't get a part in the new Austin Powers movie without auditioning.

Zacarias Moussaoui stood in a Virginia courtroom Thursday, declared he's a member of al-Qaeda and pleaded guilty, but the judge refused to accept his plea. How much evidence do we need? For crying out loud, his mother has a bumper sticker on her car that reads My Son Was Student of the Month at Terrorist Training Camp.

A Los Angeles tenth-grader was kicked out of summer school last week for writing an essay in which he fantasized about shooting his teacher. His parents were absolutely shocked. They had no idea he could read or write.

Robert Novak reported Sunday Hillary Clinton is being mentioned by Democrats as an ideal vice presidential candidate in 2004. It's completely plausible. She has been a VP before, but her record as virtual president was nothing to brag about.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton