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Jewish World Review May 28, 2002 / 17 Sivan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Bill Clinton flew to Singapore last weekend where he urged wealthy countries to help lift poor nations out of poverty. He was paid $250,000 for the Sunday night speech. Looting always breaks out right after the Lakers win a playoff game.

President Bush is touring Europe looking for allies in the war on terrorism. He's been seen on TV giving speeches in Berlin, St. Petersburg, Paris, Normandy and Moscow. Nevertheless, the FBI says their best information has him in Kansas City.

President Bush surprised French reporters at a Paris press conference Sunday by speaking for only three minutes. He has a disciplined message. Besides, if you are not going to hit on any woman except your wife, there's not much to say in French.

Sen. Tom Daschle told Meet the Press Sunday that the U.S. has no alternative but to deal with Yasser Arafat. What can be done about the guy? He's built his career by scaring the weak and the vulnerable, but South Dakota just keeps re-electing the guy.

The California governor's race is being polled daily as an advance indicator for the 2002 elections. Every survey indicates that Californians want someone who can take charge and solve problems. As of this morning, Robert Blake was leading by seventeen points.

President Bush met with Vladimir Putin in Moscow Friday and smoothed the way for the Baltic countries to join NATO. To qualify for membership, you must be European and have a member's recommendation. It's like buying a house in Kennebunkport.

Tipper Gore said Friday daily terror alerts are exhausting everyone's mental health. She said every day it's something else. She liked it better during the Clinton Administration when a yellow alert meant Hillary was on her way home.

Minneapolis FBI agent Coleen Rowley assailed FBI headquarters for blocking their investigation of Arab flight school students last summer. The FBI head of counter-terrorism saw both the Phoenix and Minneapolis warnings and saw no evidence of a threat. And you wondered if members of the O.J. Simpson jury ever found work.

Don Rumsfeld said the United States has no plans to invade Iraq or any other country. Suddenly, the Secretary of Defense is a pacifist. What is it about being on TV every day that turns even a former Nixon aide into a Hollywood liberal?

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety announced that the Jaguar flunked its slow-speed crash test. A five mile-per- hour bump caused $6,770 worth in damage to the sports car. That's what happens when you store your cocaine in the front bumper.

The Department of Education expressed concern Thursday about low math scores by California high school students. The problem extends into adulthood. The latest survey shows that ten out of nine Californians have trouble comprehending fractions.

President Bush spoke to the German parliament Thursday and gave a warning on the threat posed by Saddam Hussein. The Germans applauded the speech. They were relieved to hear that not every evil dictator with a black mustache is their fault.

Senator Joe Lieberman demanded a list of every single contact the White House staff had with Enron. Enron is in bankruptcy and the White House hasn't lifted a finger to help them. Democrats want to be sure donors know who their friends are.

Bill Clinton got an honorary doctorate of law degree in Tokyo Tuesday. He did great things for the legal profession during his presidency. For eight years, everybody was so busy telling Clinton jokes that nobody told one single lawyer joke.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton