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Jewish World Review April 18, 2002 / 7 Iyar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Tiger Woods will spend this weekend in Las Vegas promoting a concert for the benefit of the Tiger Woods Foundation. On Sunday he garnered his third Masters win. Over the years only the Israeli Army has captured more majors than Tiger Woods.

The Weather Channel reported New York City had its hottest April day ever on Tuesday. The record heat wave extends from New England all the way down to the Carolinas. It's so hot in Virginia that John Walker Lindh is sticking to his story.

Secretary of State Colin Powell returned from the Mideast after witnessing the bloody stalemate first-hand. He's been sent to Vietnam, Korea and the West Bank. The administration is grooming him to emcee the next Enron shareholder meeting.

Palestinians gave reporters a tour of Jenin Tuesday after Israeli soldiers bulldozed it for a week. The town is a training ground for suicide bombers. Whenever these guys meet on the sidewalk, they give each other the high five, four, three, two, one.

Al Gore blasted the White House over its environmental and economic policies in a rousing speech Saturday to Florida Democrats. Every time he mentioned Bill Clinton, the crowd went wild. Al Gore's kissed his wife in public for the last time.

Newsweek says Bill Clinton plays golf at the Army Navy Club in Washington D.C. because he can't get into a country club. No one is willing to sponsor him for membership. It's just more proof that he really is America's first black president.

The International Federation of the Phonographic Industry announced Tuesday that sales of recorded music plunged five percent last year. It's simple to explain. Thanks to CD burners, last year's hottest new label was the Jolly Roger.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton