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Jewish World Review July 16, 2002 /7 Menachem-Av, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | NBA star Allen Iverson is scheduled to be arrested in Philadelphia today. He has tremendous natural talent, a combustible temper, and he's always quarreling with reporters. He's so much like Ted Williams it's no surprise he's going to the cooler.

French President Jacques Chirac was the intended target of an assassin Sunday while riding in an open-top motorcade in a Bastille Day parade. The apprehended shooter was a neo-Nazi. After six hours of brutal interrogation, France surrendered.

West Palm Beach held a mock election Saturday to test their new touch-screen balloting machines. Let's hope it's faster than the old system. The latest returns from the presidential election show Bush still leading Dukakis by fourteen hundred votes.

SEC Chairman Harvey Pitt vowed Sunday that his agency will aggressively hunt down insider traders on Wall Street. The easy money is over. Nowadays, the only legal way to beat the market is to join the Los Angeles police and arrest it.

Inglewood's mayor Sunday called for community calm following the videotaped beating of a black teenager by cops. Los Angeles is on alert. To prevent any looting, officials may close down the Pacific Stock Exchange for the rest of the week.

President Bush said Saturday what the economy needs is the restoration of confidence in the integrity of business leaders. The solution won't be pretty. Only one thing will satisfy the public right now, and that's mandatory steroid testing for all CEOs.

The Environmental Protection Agency decided Sunday to cut back a water clean-up program that would require the dredging of Lake Michigan. It's a wise move politically. President Bush risks losing the labor vote in the next election if he disturbs a union burial ground.

The Washington Times reports that Yasser Arafat just transferred $5 million in Palestinian government money to his wife's private account in Paris. It's the only exit strategy that makes sense. The U-boats to Argentina don't run during hurricane season.

The Pentagon Sunday unveiled new weapons to defend America in the War on Terrorism. Engineers are designing pilotless aircraft with a hypersonic missile that can knock out a rocket launcher six hundred miles away in fifteen minutes. It seems like a lot of expense and trouble just to get around racial profiling at the airport.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton