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Jewish World Review Sept. 4, 2002 / 27 Elul, 5762

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Major League Baseball agreed to begin testing players for steroid use. Lives are at stake. Sammy Sosa recently got a terrible scare at the doctor's office when the lab report came back and they found blood in his supplement stream.

Las Vegas oddsmakers listed the St. Louis Rams as favorites to win the Super Bowl this season. The bookies expect a lot of action. Americans spend $60 billion a year on games of chance, and that doesn't count weddings and elections.

President Bush broke a fund-raising record in Arkansas last week. He brought his current total to $110 million. He's raised so much money, he is quarantined from traveling to Great Britain until he's been tested and sprayed for Cash Cow Disease.

Saddam Hussein invited a delegation of U.S. congressmen to inspect Iraq and look anywhere they like for weapons of mass destruction. They may come. He's hidden soft money throughout the countryside and he just mailed treasure maps to all their offices.

President Bush flew back to Washington Sunday and Congress returned to work Tuesday. It's really been dull without them. For four weeks, there was nothing to interrupt the child kidnapping bulletins except stories about drunken airline pilots.

Congress will consider discount drug cards for seniors this week. It's a very forward-looking program. The cards for seniors charge everything to the government, and the cards for Baby Boomers charge everything to their parents.

The Miami Herald says Janet Reno and Bill McBride are neck and neck in the Democratic Governor's primary. He's a Vietnam veteran and she burned down the Branch Davidian complex. So it's not so much Tracy and Hepburn as it is McBride and Frankenstein.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton